There’s really nothing more satisfying than knowing that something is clean and ready to use again. I’ve always enjoyed cleaning things that are hard to clean, or even things that aren’t really noticed much by other people. For instance, when I wash the kid’s cups, there are always extra nooks and crannies that need to be washed out. Usually, there are pieces that have to be disassembles in order to completely clean all of those hidden places inside the cup.
Well, while I was doing the dishes the other day I noticed something on my toddler’s cup that I’ve never noticed before—an undiscovered rim on the inside of the lid. Looking in this hidden place, I was horrified. It was black with left over residue. I immediately felt guilty for letting my child drink from this cup. Thoughts flooded my mind. How long has it been this way? Why haven’t I noticed this sooner? Thank God he hasn’t gotten sick.
I frantically pulled all of the rubber and plastic pieces away from each other, grabbed a Q-tip, and began wiping away at the inside of his lid. It didn’t work. The crevasse was too narrow. I needed something smaller. I thought, maybe I should just throw the cup away. But, then I remembered the set of small brushes I had set aside from cleaning my daughter’s newborn bottles. Ah ha! These should work!
They did work. What seemed like layers and layers of black film started to surrender and willingly wash down the drain of my kitchen sink. Relief. Oh, sweet relief.
That relief I felt when I realized the cup was usable again, was the same kind of relief I wanted to feel in my own life. Over the past several months, I’ve been suppressing feelings of anger, fear, and selfishness. I’ve buried those feelings deep, in a place that isn’t visible to the naked eye. But, as I stared down at my son’s cup I realized that I couldn’t burry the ugly things about myself and expect it to be okay. As a minister and messenger of God’s word, I’m a vessel that the Holy Spirit uses to nourish others. But, anything suppressed can become poison to whoever drinks from my well.
Oh, dear God! Please forgive me!
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139: 23, 24)
With every pregnancy, God reveals more of my depths to me—He uncovers the things I didn’t even know I had inside of me. I’ve found a greater depth to love, more authentic joy, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and a patient grace I never knew I could have. But, every buried treasure is accompanied by a hidden filth. There’s always something to uproot. There’s always something to get rid of before I can grab hold of the goodness that waits within the caverns of my soul. But, how on earth can I discover and uncover the filth that needs to be removed from my being on my own? I have to be disassembled.
I have felt more broken over the last couple weeks than I ever have before. And, the strange thing is, I have also never been more blessed than I am right now in this season of my life. I’ve wondered over and over again why this pain and heartache has been coupled with the abundance of blessings. Then I realized that God’s blessings never cease. His grace is an open faucet with rivers constantly pooling into me. But, with this hard grace-like-rain comes the ugly uncovering and cleansing of my heart.
“But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”(Psalm 19:12-14)
A couple weeks ago I was weeding our vegetable garden. I had let it go for a while, and the weeds were taking over. I expected the task to be long and make me weary. But, when I tugged at the base of each weed, the plant surrendered to my will. This was because it had rained very heavily the night before. The ground was soft and pliable. The rain had caused the roots of the unwanted to shift. A song lyric from one of my mother’s songs crossed my mind. “Nothing liberates me like Your hard rain.”
God had used this hard rain to liberate the unwanted things in my life. The pressing. The washing. The cleansing. These are all things that feel invasive as God disassembles me and washes me. But, there’s a greater purpose to the undoing.
When I feel broken and when I feel disassembled, I need to remember that God is removing the ugly hidden things from my life and uncovering the buried treasures. He’s not going to leave me in a state of disarray. On the contrary, He’s taking me apart so He can put me back together again. This is repentance. This is cleansing. This is becoming new. So, wash me, Lord, over and over again.
“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sings may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord…” (Acts 3:19)
Comments