I've been really tired lately. Not just physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted too. Sometimes I really feel like I'm loosing my mind. When I get this way I can't function right. I let myself get discouraged and when I get discouraged I start to feel like I can't do anything right. I have to remind myself that I'm not a worthless human being I'm just burned out, flat out exhausted.
It's easy to make excuses for why I feel tired. I don't get enough sleep, my diet isn't amazing, I'm constantly taking care of other people, and alone time is nonexistent. I've had too much time to think and not enough time to think clearly. I have so many things I want to do, too, and I want to do them all well. I want to be an excellent mother, an excellent wife, an excellent teacher, and I want all of my ministries and hobbies to thrive. I want to do it all, and I want to do it all at the same time. But, I feel like I'm always waiting--waiting for one part of my life to click into place so that another part of my life can start. Waiting for my kids to be more independent, waiting for my husband to have a job with better hours, waiting for other people to support my dreams, waiting, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. But, the thing I've let exhaust me the most is patience...or the lack of patience. Waiting is exhausting.
When I was a kid my parents would travel 22 hours by car to visit family. Sometimes we would stop at a hotel half way, and other times we would drive straight through. By the time we would get wherever we were going we'd all be exhausted. It's sort of ironic on my end because I was just sitting in the car waiting for hours and hours. I don't really understand why that made me so tired. But, the truth is, waiting is exhausting.
Rest. Peace. Be still. Please. I feel desperate. I want to feel whole and happy while I wait. But, wait. I think I've misunderstood something. Patience doesn't mean idleness. Patience doesn't mean idleness.
My 11 month old is a very determined child. He knows what he wants and he does anything and everything he can to make his goal a reality. I could look at him and say, "there isn't a patient bone in his body." But, I'd be lying. He's so patient. He's extremely patient, but he displays a different kind of patience. He shows me patience in action. While he was still waiting to be able to roll he would reach, while he was waiting to be able to crawl he would roll, and while he was still waiting to be able to walk he would crawl.
Let me give you another example. The other day I was sitting at the breakfast table with my boys. My youngest saw me and my oldest using a fork and wanted to give it a try. I gave him a baby fork and he started pushing his food around on the highchair tray with it. He was actually able to get a small piece of food on the fork a few times, but after pushing the food around for a while he decided to start using his hands too. He didn't give up on using the fork, but he also fed himself while he was still learning to master this new skill.
In this moment I felt like the Holy Spirit was talking to me face to face. "Cheyenne, if you're hungry enough for something to happen just keep working at it." Sometimes I have these great dreams and visions of things that I want to accomplish, but I limit myself by saying there's only one right way to get it done. I really want to be able to use a fork, but if I wait to eat until I know how to use a fork I'll starve. So, while I'm learning to use a fork I'll eat with my hands. This is patience in action. I need to be patient while I learn, but I also need to use what I can in the meantime.
More so than ever before people have been telling me to "keep pressing on." At times this phrase feels like more of a discouragement than an encouragement. I really don't want to keep trying and trying over and over again when I don't feel like what I'm doing is being done the right way in the first place. People keep telling me to press on, but they aren't telling me how to press on. In someway I think it's because we don't know how to press on, we just know we shouldn't give up. God didn't create us to become quitters.
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus. I'm off an running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision--you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." Philippians 3:12-16
I feel like my blurred vision is starting to clear. I'm starting to understand what it means to press on with patience. I'm starting to understand why God wants me to keep trying. I know that I'm not supposed to give up on everything that it is I want to do. I CAN be a good mom, a good wife, be successful at my job, and all of my ministries CAN thrive too. I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't always have to be done one certain way. I have to be creative on how I go about achieving goals.
I was teaching a song writing class the other day and I was giving the students some tips on how to work themselves out of "feeling stuck" during the writing process. The last thing I said was, "be inspired by your shortcomings." In other words, I need to look at the areas I struggle in as opportunities--opportunities to learn something new. When writing, I can learn a new concept, a new word, or I can learn about a new topic or do some research. I have to find my way around the hurdle if I can't get over it...yet.
Yet. "Yet" is a beautiful word. It does't mean never, but it could mean soon. It's a patience in action word. It's a hopeful word.
I've come to a "fork" in the road. I can choose to be idle and become depressed. I could choose to feel sorry for myself and for my circumstances, or...I could make my circumstances work! While I'm waiting I will have patience. I won't have idle patience. I'll have patience in action. I'll keep working towards the dreams and visions God has given me. And, I won't give up. Ever.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him..." Psalm 37:4-7a.
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