I have two sons. They're very close in age (only 19-months apart). They share similar interests, but in whole, they are very, very different.
I brought them both into the store with me yesterday, and a woman exclaimed, "You have twins!" And, at first glance, I can see why she thought so. They both have fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. I'm sure it helps in favor of her statement that my 2-year old is just as big as my 4-year. I told her they weren't twins, and that they were just really close in age. As she glanced over at my 10-month old sitting in the cart, I could see her running the figures in her head. Usually, these kinds of statements are followed with a typical: "Yes, I have three children. Yes, they're all about a year and a half apart. Yes, I'm a busy mama, but I'm so happy and wouldn't trade this for the world!" This conversation just ended with an "oh."
My son's differences aren't always noticed or appreciated by other people, especially strangers. But, as their mama, I see them quite clearly. From the way their fingers bend and crease; to their preferences, likes and dislikes; to the way they think and problem solve. Learning these things about a person takes an investment—an investment of attentiveness, time, and love. It takes a well-watered and cared for relationship. As the boys get older, I can see the importance of relationship blossoming in front of my eyes, especially where their differences are stronger than their similarities.
My sons bicker. A lot. And, the bickering happens where there are differences, and it happens where there are similarities. Honestly, it happens either way (whether or not they agree or disagree). But, the most beautiful part about their well-watered relationship is that they are quick to resolve and quick to forgive.
Sometimes I feel like I get emotional whiplash from watching them play. One moment they're laughing, the next they're screaming, and then before I know it, they're laughing again...I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. But, as I watch them invest time into each other with love and understanding, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of pride. This is brotherly love. Fight hard. Love harder. The best of enemies and the closest of friends.
For some reason, as an adult, this kind of relationship (or even the concept thereof) becomes a foreign idea. The more someone hurts me, the easier it is to harden my heart against them. And, the more differences I can find, the easier it is to distance myself from them. But, the detachment disables the brotherly love. Instead of the fight being a rain storm that waters a loving relationship, it becomes like fuel to the flame of separation.
Differences were not made to divide.
Christ told us to love one another. John 13:34 says, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." And, although Christ is saying this is a new commandment, the concept of loving others is not new. God said something very similar to His people in Leviticus 19:34. He said, "The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself..." So, let me get this straight, God specifically gave the command to treat people who are different from me as if they were my family? Yes. Yes, He did. That means that brotherly love is deeper than blood. It's human. Yet, it goes against human nature (that is, sinful nature).
Just this morning my boys were giving me a run for my mind. My oldest was screaming in defense as my smug 2-year old "unknowingly" provoked him. Now, at this point there are a few different ways I can react. I can 1) come in yelling and hollering with threats and punishments, or I can 2) take the boiling pot off of the fire and wait for it to simmer down before addressing the situation. From past experiences, I know that (most of the time) my oldest son cannot hear anything I'm saying to him when he's in the midst of an explosion. So, I wait because I know that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1) Yeah...let's just wait this one out.
Something I've learned over years and years of investing into relationships is that people don't do too well communicating (listening with understanding) while they're angry. I sure don't. I like to make my point while I'm feeling the intensity of defense or desperation, but I always have to revisit the conversation again, head-on with forgiveness, when I've cooled off. I do this with the relationships that I know are worthwhile. These are the ones worth keeping. Which, in reality, all relationships should be viewed this way. We all have something to offer one another: broader prospective and greater understanding.
Okay, someone did me wrong and now I'm angry. And, anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I'm upset, you'll know. A lot of times my anger gets wrongfully labeled as sin. But, anger itself isn't wrong, it's what I do while I'm angry that makes it wrong.
"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." (Ephesians 4:26,27 MSG)
Anger can quickly turn to hatred if I let it run rapid. The turn of the dime can happen very fast, and the defining line that separates anger from hatred isn't always so clear. Here's where brotherly love is so very important. If love is the goal than ultimately peace is too. And, being quick to forgive, listen, and understand is what heals the wound. But, if love isn't the goal, than watch out! Because anger begets anger when differences are approached without love and understanding. The choices are clear: heal the wound or stick your finger in it.
"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." (Proverbs 10:12)
The pursuit of love and peace is trivial which means that matters can't always be viewed from a selfish prospective. I have to take on empathy. I have to be able to remove myself from my own way of thinking so that I can be drawn in by the differences that exist rather than turned away by them.
"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another."
Romans 14:19
I have to choose love. Every. Single. Time. Love and love over and over again. Love invests time into relationship. Relationship is learning and listening with empathy and understanding. It is forgiveness. It is Godly. It is right. It is brotherly love.
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men..." (Romans 12:9-20 NASB)
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