My husband and I do our best to teach our children how to apologize to one another. It can be difficult to lead by example when it comes to apologizing, especially when the sincerity isn’t there. But, whether it was something done on purpose or by accident, “I’m sorry” should always follow.
Earlier today my 6-year old was climbing on the top of our playset in the backyard. When he swung his body down he knocked into his 2-year old sister. The look on his face when he said “I’m sorry” was proof that hurting her was not intentional. It was an accident. But, my daughter’s reaction to her brother made me take a step back. She stood up and screamed at him with a beat red face, “Sorry doesn’t make it better!” She was right. “Sorry” didn’t make it better. She still had a mark on her back from falling into the playset. “Sorry” wasn’t going to change anything. She was still angry. The only thing that could really change the way that she felt was forgiveness.
It was in that moment that I realized how much emphasis I’ve placed on an apology. I was so focused on teaching my children how to own up for their mistakes that I’ve never really taken the time to teach them how to forgive. It felt really humbling to think about this because my daughter really was right. “Sorry” really doesn’t make anything better…but forgiveness does.
Repentance is necessary, but even more so is forgiveness. “Sorry” can act as an open door for forgiveness. It’s an invitation for forgiveness—an opportunity for reconciliation. But, what blows my mind is this: forgiveness doesn’t need an invitation. Forgiveness can be given without an apology.
It makes me think of the words that Christ spoke while He was nailed to a cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing…” (Luke 23:34a NIV)And, who opened the door for forgiveness? Who stood at Jesus’ feet and said, “I’m sorry”? As far as we know, no one did.
It’s very humbling to think about all of the times I’ve felt like I’ve deserved an apology. I’ve hinged my healing on someone else’s ability to apologize, but I’ve never realized how their apology literally does nothing for my healing. They could apologize and I could still be bitter. I could still hold on to my hurt. I could say things like, “well, you should be sorry” or “it’s about time you noticed how much you’ve hurt me.” But, the truth of the matter is this: healing happens when forgiveness happens. Sincere forgiveness does more good than a sincere apology.
“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.”
(Proverbs 17:9 NLT)
I feel cut deeply as I think about grudges I’ve held onto or bitterness that I’ve nurtured. Assumptive thoughts have led me down an unforgiving road. Fear of being hurt again has kept me from forgiveness. Unjustness has birthed resentment rather than a forgiving heart. But, when I refuse to forgive someone else I’m really only hurting myself. I feel like I can’t say it enough, forgiveness is the only thing that will make it better. Forgiveness ishealing.
I’m not going to lie; I don’t always like to forgive. Forgiveness seems like it should be something that’s earned. People should be worthy of forgiveness, right? People should prove that they’re really sorry before I naively trust them again. Right? Unfortunately, this kind of thinking isn’t scriptural, and it’s definitely not even close to what Christ teaches about forgiveness.
Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:12-14 NLT)
It says, “Forgive anyone who offends you.” It doesn’t say, “Tell everyone who offends you to apologize.” That would give this scripture an entirely different meaning. It wouldn’t allow room for anyone’s faults. It would place the emphasis on the apology when in fact the power is in the forgiveness.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s still a lot of healing that happens in repentance. But, that healing is for me when I’m the one that does something wrong. It’s a way of recognizing my own faults and forgiving myself. Sincere repentance, in a way, is self-forgiveness.
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13 ESV)
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:19 ESV)
Repentance, when I really think about it, isn’t just a way to confess my faults it’s also a way to confess that I am worthy of forgiveness. However, while repentance can do well for the offender, it really does nothing for the offended. That is, not without forgiveness.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32 ESV)
Christ never withheld forgiveness. It was something He gave freely, and He asked all of His followers to do the same. He showed that forgiveness was a miracle (Matthew 9). He taught that forgiveness completely, and without future terms, cancels debts (Luke 7). He spoke that forgiveness was an unending process (Matthew 18). Over and over again, Christ spoke about the power of forgiveness. But, He also warned his disciples that if they withheld forgiveness to others, God would do the same towards them.
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14,15 ESV)
And, isn’t that the truth? When I hold onto un-forgiveness I’m living under the curse of un-forgiveness. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m anxious. I’m fearful. I’m full of assumptions. I’m in defense mode. I’m unable to love. I’m full of judgment. I start thinking about what I deserve rather than how I can serve. I start thinking about how badly I’ve been treated rather than how to treat others. I get trapped in the animosity and become a slave to sin. Resentment causes me to sin and causes me to stumble, but forgiveness sets me free.
When I chose to forgive I no longer allow someone else’s behaviors to steer my life. I can find love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and have self-control anytime and anywhere. Wrongs committed against me create a continuous battle over my life when I hold onto them. But, they can’t win the battle over and over again when forgiveness wipes them out. It destroys and annihilates the strongholds. It releases the chains of both the offender and the offended. It heals wounds deeper than the eyes can see. It changes and transforms lives. It breaks curses. It sets captives free. Yes, forgiveness is freedom.
“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” (Isaiah 43:25 NIV)
Comments