I've had quite a few conversations with my kids about good behaviors and bad behaviors. My two-year old is starting to ask questions about good choices and bad choices. When he does something he wants me to be proud of he asks, "Mom, was that a good choice?" On the other hand, when he makes a bad choice he looks at me and waits for disapproval. He knows when he's making a bad choice. He knows it makes me sad, but he does it anyways.
He's really been pushing the limits at home lately. Between throwing toys and bulldozing his younger brother over sometimes I'm left at my wits end. Don't get me wrong, I know this can be normal behaviors for a toddler, but for him it seems really out of character. He's always been a good listener and a good helper. But now--now he's getting a taste of what it's like to act up, and unfortunately I think he likes it a little too much.
I could analyze every scenario and try to make sense of why he's doing certain things. I could blame myself for not being attentive to him enough. I could even go as far as saying he's picking up behaviors from other kids. But, honestly, I'm not sure if it really matters. What matters is how I deal with it. I can't change the circumstances of the past, but I can help to shape the future. And, right now I have two options. Option number one: yell, lose my mind, overreact, punish, and label my son as a "bad kid." Or, Option number two: understand that good people make bad choices and ask him why he's making those choices.
Sometimes I underestimate how much my kids understand (or can communicate), and that can negatively affect the way I handle a situation. Over the years, as a teacher and now as a mother, I've realized that people always do better when we assume the best of them. If I talk to one of my kids like they are able to understand and capable of following through then they usually do. But, when I assume they're not going to get it and overreact only with punishments, then there really is no understanding. If I treat my kids like they will succeed, then they will. And, if I treat them like I'm just waiting for them to screw up again. then they will, and history will repeat itself over and over again.
I know it can be hard, but I also know how important it can be to give others grace and mercy. I know how important it can be to treat people like they're going to make the right choice rather than the wrong choice. This can be so difficult! Especially when you're faced with a "repeat offender." I'm talking about the people that always seem to be making the wrong choices. These people aren't bad people. They're just making bad choices. And, when they keep making bad choices, they're setting a bad reputation for themselves. We expect them to be bad and they follow through. But, what if? What if I decided to treat them like they were going to be good? What if I didn't give them a negative reputation to live up to? What if I gave a little more trust and hoped for the best? People might fail me, yes. But, they also might succeed.
Everyone has the potential to be good. We were all born innocent. We were all born with freedom of choice. We were all given the opportunity to make the best of every circumstance. Some of us do, and others of us struggle to do that. Some of us are influenced by love and some of us are influenced by hate. Some of us are influenced by giving, and some of us are influenced by taking. These influences shape our character and guide our choices. And, in response, those choices set the standard for who we really are.
"For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit...A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks..." (Luke 6:43-45)
What's in your heart reflects who you are. But, often times, what's hidden in your heart is the food you've been fed for years and years. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue; And they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." (Proverbs 18:21) If someone's been told everyday for years that they're stupid and won't amount to anything. Then, it's more likely they will make stupid choices and they won't amount to anything. But, the opposite is true too!
I was very blessed to have two parents that instilled good habits in me. They believed in me. They knew I could succeed, and they always supported my dreams and the things I've wanted to accomplish. I had an amazing foundation. So, it takes more than one person saying something negative to me for me to act upon that negativity. But, not everyone has been so fortunate. Some people have a really unstable foundation. Some people have a foundation that's crumbling. So, when that person gets spoken to negatively, their whole foundation (or life) falls apart. They're more likely to believe in those negative things because that's all they've ever known. it's what they've built their life's choices on.
Sometimes all it takes is one person. One person to believe that I'm good enough. One person to believe I'm strong enough. One person to believe that I'm capable, that I'm able, that I am good. Because, honestly, what good does hate do? What good does negative comments do? Do I really think that telling someone that they aren't good at something they may love to do is really going to do that person any good? Maybe they're trying. Maybe they're trying really, really hard, and they just need one person--one person to believe in them. One person to believe that they can be good too.
One of the things that has proven itself over and over again with my kids is redirecting. Redirecting is almost 100% effective when my kids are making a bad choice. Yelling "No" is probably 50% effective...and, I'm talking, if that. For example, this morning my youngest was using a toy to smash against the television screen. I said, "no, no" and he turned and smiled at me. Then he did it again. I said "no" louder. He laughed and did it again. Then I decided to grab another toy and told him to come play with me. He moved away from the television screen and forgot (for the time being) that it existed.
The same is true for adults too. The same is true of friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, and even strangers. Drawing attention to the bad choice can cause condemnation or intensify the bad choice. But, redirecting. Wow. Redirecting someone into a good choice is literally life-changing. Guiding someone into what's best for them is literally life-altering.
We recently celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Many people were sharing MLK Jr's quotes and speeches. One of the most powerful ones that I read that day was this: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." So today I choose love. I choose to believe in good. I choose to respond with love, kindness, and understanding. I choose to believe that good people make choices and that everyone could use someone redirecting them and believing in them. Next time I see someone making a bad choice, I want to act with mercy. I want to act with grace. I want to see the innocence that once was. The person that existed before the influences. I want to see the person that existed before they believed the negativity. I want to see the child. I want to see the potential for good. I want to be faithful in seeing the good.
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)
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