The last 12 months have been quite the work-in-progress. But, in order for you to understand the depth of God’s incredible design, I need to share with you the hope and the heartache that has helped transformed me throughout 2020.
In January of 2020 I was very optimistic about what God’s plans were for my life and the journey He was going to take me on in the months ahead. My husband and I decided that our family was complete, and I was going to be entering a new phase of motherhood—one without being pregnant or breastfeeding. I knew there was going to be a different kind of flexibility with this phase of life, and I was ready to dig my heels in and go, go, go! The month before, we had announced the return of our rock band, Lily Among Thorns. We were lining up shows for the summer, and I was really looking forward to getting back out into the music scene. My teaching job was off to a great start since returning from a maternity leave. I wanted to add more students, more lesson times, more classes, and new clinics! My husband and I set a goal with our worship band to release new music as often as we could. I had so many different recording goals in mind! The year was just beginning and I couldn’t wait for whatever the future was going to bring!
In February, things were picking up momentum! We were recording music with our both of our bands, preparing for a recital, I taught for an Valentine’s Day art night, and we opened up our online store for Lily Among Thorns. Everything was going just the way I thought it would!
Then March hit. The night before our school’s class recital news of COVID-19 shut downs were circulating strong. We temporarily closed our school the next morning (the morning of our recital), and before Sunday morning came our church had temporarily closed too. We would reassess in two weeks and decide on a reopening plan then. I wasn’t too worried yet. Two weeks seemed like a nice break, and I’ve always found a way to make the most use of my time. This time I decided to invest into something I’ve been wanting to do for a long, long time, and that was to write another musical. I spent our two-week pause pouring into a musical about the mother of Christ, and I couldn’t wait to share it with my team back at work. But, the pause didn’t end, and the closures kept right on coming. We had to cancel our family indoor water park birthday party for our almost 4-year old. And, that was just the first of many canceled plans to come. I was angry at first. I wasn’t expecting this gigantic pause on all of my plans. I was making progress, and then suddenly...I wasn’t. (Or, so I thought.) I wrote a song out of desperation called “Find Me.” I felt like I was losing myself, and I wanted God to show me who I really was—who He was shaping me to be.
By the time April came around my husband, who works at a hospital, was given a furlough. He started delivering groceries for people to help support our family during all of the closures. Things were pretty tight. I wasn’t working. Most of the staff at my school was able to offer online lessons, but me? No. It was far too stressful to try and do at home alone with an 8-month old, 2-year old, and a now 4-year old. I started to feel hopeless...I started to forget who I was. My creative line felt choked out. I found some relief on the weekends when my husband and I would go with his family to different nature parks across the state. It was refreshing to get outdoors and to be with family, especially during a season where loneliness felt suffocating. I discovered a newfound relationship with my sister-in-law and her husband, and in some ways, God was showing me how He was already at work restoring and creating new purposes in absences I didn’t even know existed.
But, even while God was healing me in some areas, I still mourned what I felt was taken away from me in others. Creativity was a lifeline, and I knew I needed an outlet, but it needed to be something other than music. Music just made me feel frustrated, and I hated that feeling. During a conversation I had with my husband, we came to the decision that we were going to stay in our 3-bedroom 1-bathroom home forever. It was then that I decided to put more work into our house. We had been there for almost 6 full years, and I had never taken the time to fully make it our own. I spent the majority of May doing odd jobs around the house. We built a play set in the back yard for the kids. I sanded down and painted our hallway built-ins. I repurposed my husband and I’d bedroom furniture, built a desk, and hung open shelving in our kitchen and living room. The house was finally starting to feel like a home.
In June my husband and I went on vacation with some family members to the Outer Banks. Thankfully, there weren’t any bands yet on traveling within the United States, and we were determined to get out and enjoy the ocean with our kiddos. While we were there, I was faithfully woken up by the Holy Spirit every single morning to watch the sunrise. God spoke to me so much about patience, and it was a lesson I really needed to learn. I had grown bitter about my life being put on hold, and God was telling me to simply wait on Him. But, this waiting wasn’t a stagnant waiting. I knew He was calling me to tend to another part of my journey before I was going to be able to continue with where I left off. Then life threw us another unexpected curve ball. On the fourth morning at our vacation house I found out we were expecting our fourth child. I wasn’t happy. I was upset. I was scared. Now, there was literally no chance of things returning to what I thought was normal. But, it was in those next few days that God rearranged me. He started showing me a different light, a different life, a different hope, a different way, and a different truth. He started showing me how I was still doing good work in the waiting while being patient for the next phase of my life to continue (or begin). It was almost as if scales were lifted from my eyes and I was able to see the world as beautiful again. My love of music returned and when we got home we started making plans to release new music at the end of the year.
I entered July with a different kind of expectancy—a “what will You do next, God?” kind of expectancy. I didn’t want to make plans anymore, I just wanted to go and do whatever God wanted me to. With the news of the new baby, my husband started browsing around the real estate market. We weren’t seriously looking. I honestly didn’t think it was something we could afford to do, but it was nice to dream. One day my husband sent me a listing for a house in the town where he grew up. I opened up the link and I cried. It was everything I could have ever hoped for in a house and more. My husband put out word to an agency that we were interested. A realtor called him and told us that we didn’t have a chance. Our house wasn’t up on the market yet, and everything was selling fast and for tens of thousands of dollars over asking prices. That Saturday we had a play date with some close friends at a park. The state was slowly reopening again, my husband had been back to work for almost two months now, our church had reopened for one service a week, and it was great to finally start seeing people in person! I told both of my girlfriends about the house and about the impossibly, and they both shut me straight up. They reminded me that we serve a God that loves to do the impossible! Later that afternoon, my husband and I went to the listing’s open house. I held back tears the whole time we were there. Every room we went into I could see flashes of my future—of the kids at different stages of their lives. This was our house. It had to be. But, I also knew the incredible miracle that needed to take place in order for that to happen. The following week I took the kids with my mom, brother and sister-in-law to visit my grandparents farm in central New York. My husband and I decided to try and sell our home and make an offer on this other house. While I was away, he worked really hard on making our home presentable and ready to put on the market. (Thank goodness we had already put a ton of time into it a few months earlier without even knowing we were going to sell!) I was sitting in my grandparents farm house when I got the call that, out of multiple offers that had been submitted, ours was accepted. I was shocked and in a state of disbelief. I talked to another girlfriend on the phone and she said that she had driven by the house the day before and God told her that was going to be our home. She reminded me of His faithfulness. Before July was over, we had placed our house on the market, accepted an offer, and set a tentative closing date.
In August, the packing began. It wasn’t an easy pack. I did a lot of it on my own, and my first trimester pregnancy was making me feel very ill. I pressed on anyways, and did some minor repairs on the house; scraping and painting windows, deep cleaning, and touched-up wall and cabinet paint here and there. At my daughters 1-year well visit we found out that she had elevated levels of lead in her blood. I took her to get tested, and sure enough, it was higher than it should have been. The bloodwork that came back showed that her levels were just slightly over the threshold of what was considered “safe.” But, it was just high enough to need to be reported to the health department. The county got involved and came to inspect our house. It turns out that the windows I had scraped down released lead dust into the air, and my daughter had been exposed. We had to repair them, along with a few more things around the house that the county inspection made us aware of. We had to disclose the new found lead based paint to the people who wanted to buy our house. We were told that could change the outlook of our sale. Thankfully, it didn’t.
In September we arranged for early occupancy in our new home with the sellers. They were very accommodating and genuine people. I was very, very grateful for their easy going generosity because our closing date was approaching quickly, and since the purchase was contingent on our other house selling, we were anticipating a one-day house swap. The thought of that stressed me out. I wasn’t sure if we could make that happen on one day with three small children and while being pregnant. We were able to get into the house the weekend before our anticipated closing date. We had an amazing group of friends help us paint, repair a floor, and move all of our things. My husband took a weeks worth of vacation time to help with unpacking. And, by the end of the week it was starting to feel a lot like home. Unfortunately, our closing date came and went. We were told that the town records were 5 to 6 weeks behind in distributing needed documentation. But, we weren’t worried. We had submitted everything on time, and even with that kind of backup, we were looking at waiting just one more week at most. In the meantime, the family purchasing our home needed to be out of their apartment by October 1st. So, we graciously showed them the same generosity we had been shown, and granted them early occupancy so they could move into what used to be our family home before the end of the month.
Time came and went, but our closing date never did. It was now October, and the pressure was put on when the sellers started losing patience with the sales . We felt totally helpless because the timeline was completely out of our control. A “Time is of the Essence” case was filed against us and we were told that, in short, if the house didn’t close in a few weeks we would be evicted and the sale would be terminated. The kind of emotions that tempted me spread across the board from anger and betrayal to grief and worry. But, through the uncertainty, I decided to keep my praise intact. I wasn’t going to lose hope this time. I was going to cling to it. The bricks of life continued to crumble when my husband was notified that his unit at the hospital was being rearranged to accommodate nurses in the union that had more seniority. This meant that everyone in his unit was either going to be laid off or bumped to a less desirable position. But, we both made the choice to not worry. God sustained us this far, and He’s never failed us before.
In November, a few days after my son’s third birthday, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. A series of appointments, tests and procedures confirmed that the cancer was in its early stages, and although she’d need surgery and treatment, the odds were in her favor. Even though things seemed unsure and there were still a lot of unknowns ahead in this diagnosis, God spoke to me about His refining. She was going to come out of this fire, and she was going to be made into something far more precious than gold. Two days after we received news of my mom’s diagnosis, we were scheduled to close on our house. Ironically, this was the same day the “Time is of the Essence” contract came into effect. Three hours before our scheduled closing, I received a phone call informing me that we had to postpone the closing yet again. Knowing we had zero time left, I spent the next few hours on the phone and re-filing documents. With the help of our lawyer, we were able to squeeze into the final appointment of the day just barely making the dead-line by the skin of our teeth. When all of it was over, I knew that it was a depiction of other things going on in my life—a back-and-forth run around that tempts with fear and uncertainty, but God’s faithful promises endure to the end.
The day before December, my husband was officially bumped from his position in pre-admissions testing for surgeries at the hospital and sent to work a temporary position in a nursing home. That same week, our county moved into a COVID-19 red-zone that shut down all non-essential businesses and operations including elective surgeries. Because my husband was bumped from his previous position, he was saved from another unpaid furlough. What seemed like a negative shift ended up saving our family from undergoing financial strain. And, such has been the story of 2020. Everything that has seemed ugly, hard, painful, bad, unwarranted, unwanted, and unbearable has turned to good. But, it hasn’t been the kind of good that’s always obvious. There has been a struggle—a war between faith and doubt, fear and trust—right until the “time’s up” moment. Yet, God has always prevailed.
The stories that have begun this year aren’t over yet, but there is still so much to be gained in the process—a new perspective, a deeper trust, a higher understanding, and greater faith.
So, what do I look forward to in 2021? I look forward to living each moment as God intended: to be full of faith, worship and thanksgiving in every circumstance. I look forward to embracing change and rebuilding hope. I look forward to fresh starts and new beginnings.
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31 NKJV)
“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:1-4 NKJV)
“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” (Genesis 50:20 NLT)
“But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.” (Job 23:10 NKJV)
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.” (I Corinthians 15:57-58 NKJV)
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