My oldest likes pinching me. To him it's a sign of endearment. To me...its a pain in my arm. He usually does it when he gets tired or feels unsure. He starts reaching for me, and those little fingers always find the most sensitive place on the back of my arm.
I usually ask him to stop. I tell him he can feel my arm, but not to pinch it. I usually have to remind him that it hurts me, and that mommy appreciates other forms of love: snuggles, hugs, and holding hands. But, no matter how often I remind him, those pinchers always find their way to the back of my arm.
There have been many times in my life when someone has tried to show me they care for me, in what I would consider, the strangest way. Sometimes those acts of "love" are the furthest thing from what I actually need or want. It can be frustrating when this happens, especially when I feel like I've made my needs and wants really clear. Nonetheless, despite my best efforts to communicate what makes me feel loved, these instances keep happening. The temptation of frustration can turn into a lack of appreciation, which can turn into distain or annoyance, which can turn into dislike or loathing. This isn't exactly what the other person was going for...in fact, it's quite the opposite. They meant well. They really did. I just have to believe that.
Our love languages aren't all the same. One of my love languages is quality time. I really enjoy conversation with others and getting to know them better. So, when someone invites me over for dinner I would prefer they order a pizza and sit with me in the living room rather than spend the evening working hard in the kitchen to serve me. But, if that other person's love language is service, than they are doing their absolute best to show me they love me. Even if it doesn't exactly make me feel loved. They are showing love.
An instance in the Bible that's really relatable for me is when Christ visits the home of Mary and Martha.
"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:38-42
In this instance, Christ emphasizes the importance of quality time. He knew that He would only be on earth for a short time and wanted to share as much as He could with whoever was willing to give Him the time of day. This doesn't mean that what Martha did was bad. Christ didn't say acts of service were bad. He just emphasized that in this particular moment, quality time was better.
Christ also recognized the importance of service. He said, "Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve...” (Mark 10:43-45) And, Paul echoed the words of Christ to the Ephesians. "In everything, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words of the Lord Jesus Himself: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” (Acts 20:35)
There aren't good and bad love languages, but there are better love languages and that all depends on the circumstances. I want to be sensitive enough to what other people need so that I can show them the love that they need rather than the love I want to give. My love language isn't always going to be what my family or friends need. So, if I want to be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, aunt, and sister then I have to be aware of other people's love languages. This isn't just for the sake of knowing how to give, but also so I know how to receive. I need to be able to recognize love when it's given to me even when it's not my love language.
Was it kind? Was it selfless? Was it genuine? Then, it must be love. Was it thoughtful? Was it nice? Was it honoring? Then, it must be love. So, if someone hands me a hideous sweater that they spent hours making. it's made of 100% itchy love. Or, if someone buys my kids a toy for Christmas that they already have it doesn't mean that they were unthoughtful. It means they were so thoughtful they chose something that my kids like! They just didn't know they already had it.
Knowing love languages can help transform giving a gift that is good into giving a gift that is great for both people. I want to know what is better. I want to give what is best. This year I want to get to know other people's love languages better, and I want to give people a chance to get to know mine better. I want to walk in love. I want to give in love. I want to spend time in love. I want to speak in love. I want to serve in love.
"Every good and perfect gift is from aboding, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..." James 1:17
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