It’s spring and the weather is getting warmer, which means that gardening and yard-work are underway! The grass in our yard had grown several inches in the last few days, and I knew it was going to need a trim sooner than later. This past week my husband had been talking about how much he needed to do it, and I thought I would surprise him and do it while he was at work to help lighten his load. So, while he was at work yesterday I dug out our push mower from the shed to cut the grass. The weather was sunny and cool and I thought the kids would really enjoy playing in the back yard while I worked.
Last year, my littlest one wasn’t a fan of the lawnmower, but she was completely fine if I held her while I mowed. When she would get upset, I would strap her to my chest in the baby carrier and go about finishing my homeowner duties that way. This year I was hoping she would feel differently about the lawnmower now that she’s 2-years old, but she definitely did not feel any differently. She got upset as soon as she saw me pull the starter cord and ran over to me to hold my hand. At first I thought her solution was a bit ridiculous. I mean she actually had to be closer to the thing that made her afraid in order to hold my hand. But, for some odd reason, she didn’t cry or scream while she was holding my hand and walking with me. She was completely peaceful. Yet, if I let go for just a second to maneuver the mower or toss a toy to the side she would immediately start crying again.
After a few passes up and down the yard I needed to empty out the grass catcher. She walked with me to empty out the clippings, and I thought I would try to encourage her to play with her siblings at the other end of the yard. She didn’t want to, though. She felt safer with me.
Puzzled, I continued to mow the lawn one-handed while I walked with my daughter. At times I would pick her up and carry her on my hip, but for the majority of the work she walked alongside me clenching my fingers. As I looked down at her little face I could hear God speaking to my heart. He was showing me that holding on to Him was healing my fear and anxieties.
It’s true, postpartum anxiety really did test me to my core. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. During that season of my life I felt like I didn’t have any control over my own thoughts. My mind felt broken and damaged, and I just didn’t know how to break free from worry. But, recently I’ve been feeling a lot more…whole.
The following day, as I was telling my Mother-in-Love about what God was teaching me through this experience she began quoting Isaiah 41:10.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
(Isaiah 41:10 NKJV)
This was it. This was exactly what I was feeling as I extended my hand to my own daughter. It was a reflection of the hand of God leading me through the seasons of life that scared me the most. He was leading me by the hand and paving a way for me.
“And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NKJV)
“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 41:13 ESV)
Perhaps the most comforting realization I had while working alongside my daughter was that I was operating the very thing she was afraid of. I was in control of the situation. And, when I put that concept into a parallel for what God does for me, I then realize that He is in control of the things that my heart and mind want to fear the most. He’s the operator, the way-maker, and the life-giver. The only way fear can dictate the way I move forward in this life is when I choose to let go of God’s hand.
I know fear will come and tempt me again, but when it does I want to remember Who holds my hand.
“…I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. (Psalm 73:23-24 NLT)
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