Our home has been adjusting to life as a family of five since our little girl surprised us and came three weeks earlier than her due date. And, honestly, I think we're all doing pretty well. The baby is super peaceful and content. My 21-month old is a Mr. Mom to his little sister. I mean hugs and kisses galore! My 3-year old gets diapers and wipes for me when the baby needs a change, and is always saying cute little things about his sister. Just today he said, "I can't wait for her to talk. It's going to be so much fun." He also said he really wants her to be able to go to the park with him and play on the slides. Cue heart melt. Seriously.
Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. Days are long and sometimes really, really hard. I've wished for more time. More patience. More arms. We've all had head colds with chest congestion, and that has put all of us in the Cranky McCrankerson role more than I would have liked. My 3-year old has had quiet a few melt downs which is totally against his character. It's so not like him to scream and hit himself and never say what's bothering him. And, because it's so out of character, my response it usually outside the realms of my own character. At first I was just telling him to "cool it" or to "stop," but then I realized that telling him to "knock it off" wasn't producing the results I desired. In fact, it was the opposite. He just got more upset and frustrated. All I wanted was for him to be able to tell me what was going on. I wanted to know what was causing him to loose his cool, but he wasn't able to tell me.
It wasn't until I started having an issue with overproduction while nursing that I put 2 and 2 together. You see, my little girl wasn't able to keep up with what I was putting out. It became very painful. I tried to wait it out. I really thought my body would adjust. But, after a few days of pain I finally decided that I had to express with a pump to relieve some of the discomfort. It wasn't doing me any good to keep the milk in, and my extreme engorgement was making it harder for my little one to nurse too. I had to get it out!
I was physically going through the same thing my 3-year old was going through mentally and emotionally--an overproduction. Emotions can be really intense, especially when I don't act on them the right away. I loose the ability to clearly communicate how I feel. I loose sight of why I feel the way I feel and instead I just feel...and those feelings just get more and more intense until there's an explosion of emotions resulting in hurting myself, and unfortunately, someone else too. I've always thought about how it's easy to hurt the people I love when I'm frustrated. It's not that I want to. It just seems to happen. Why does it happen? It happens because I'm caging in the negative emotion rather than releasing it. But, when I'm holding in negative feelings, how in the world am I supposed to respond positively?
I mean, I want to be FULL of the Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit. But, how am I supposed to produce good fruit when I'm holding in a rotten attitude? "Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." (James 3:11-12) It's near impossible to be loving and peaceful when I'm engorged with frustration and stress.
If there's anything I've learned over the years of being a mom it's that frustration and stress are self-inflicted, self-centered, and selfish. These are the feelings I get when I'm focused on myself and why things aren't going right for me. But, when I lift the focus away from myself, then I can operate in peace and love.
It's like what James says in chapter 3 verses 14-18. "...if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness." Selfish reactions lead to disorder rather than peace. Peace is the desired result, so selflessness (rather than selfishness) needs to be the reaction.
Ok, so after discovering that responding in frustration to my son was not the right thing to do, and after realizing that asking him to harbor his feelings on the inside was harmful and not helpful, I decided to take on a new approach that was more loving and peace producing.
We created a "cool down" area in our house. The point of the "cool down" area is that my son can go to it and safely let out all of his frustration without hurting anyone else or himself. Once he's "cooled down" he can come and talk to me about why he was feeling frustrated and stressed. Then we problem solve the situation. How can we do things differently? What can we do instead? Did the situation need patience? Could taking turns or sharing have solved the issue? Then, if the situation (or a similar one) happens again, he's equipped with the "know how" of peacemaking.
The crazy thing about it all is the fact that he needed to express his frustration in order to be teachable. If I had tried talking to him about problem solving while he was screaming his head off we would have gotten literally no where.
It's so easy to be quick to want to shut down negative emotions. But, am I caging the beast or releasing it? I want those negative feelings to be released. I want them to be released and no longer present within me or my children. If i shut down the negative emotion before it's released than it remains caged within me or my kids. And, that negative emotion takes up space--it takes up the space that's reserved for peace. Um, excuse me Frustration, but the residency listed here is Peace and Peace alone.
When I speak about my negative feelings it can become a teachable moment for others. I'm not talking about complaining. I'm talking about problem solving. Discern the difference. Problem solving is like cleaning house. It creates room for peace. Complaining is like throwing a house party for your negative feelings. It trashes the place and makes things worse. But, problem solving through expressing negative emotions can provide relief for me and nourishment for others, just like when I nurse my baby. Harboring the milk can cause pain and infection, but expressing it can provide relief, nourishment, and even better, a bond of trust. Which is also what I want to establish and keep with my older children. I want them to trust me enough to know it's safe to tell me how they feel, even when it's a negative feeling.
So, let it all out, babe. Let it all out so that you can be full of peace instead of frustration.
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)
“I pray that God, the source of hope, will FILL you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)
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