Love Sick

When I was pregnant with my first child I threw up practically every. single. day. Brushing my teeth always triggered a puking session. An empty stomach usually sent me running to the bathroom. Certain smells, sights, and tastes, all made me want to cry and hug porcelain. If I stood too long I felt dizzy and nauseous. If I laid down too long the room would spin. You may be thinking, "why is she telling me all of this?" And, truth is, it's not to make you feel sorry for me.

Being pregnant was one of the most wonderful seasons of my life. I felt like I had a deeper spiritual connection with God. I would tell my friends that it was like my spirit literally knew it was hosting another spirit inside of me. I wasn't just eating for two, I was learning what it felt like to multiply love--real love--God's love.

"Love bears all things...," from the famous Love chapter in 1 Corinthians, haunted me (in a good way). Any time I would start to feel unbearably sick, I would tell myself that I am bearing all things for the sake of Love. I would bear the pain because I knew the reward. I knew this pain was going to bring me an amazing gift. I was going to have a baby to hold in my arms, and I was going to be able to tell my little man how much I really loved him.

Difficult things are easier to bear when I keep my eyes set on the promises that God has given me. But, what am I supposed to do when those promises are hard to find, unsure, or even appear as nonexistent? See, the tricky thing about 1 Corinthians 13:7 is that it doesn't say love bears all things when it can see into the future and expect the reward. It just says "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This kind of love is unconditional which means it literally does not rely on circumstances or conditions to remain true.

As my motherhood journey continues, I find out that my test of love isn't over yet. And, this test doesn't only apply to my children. It applies to everyone. I'm not talking about tolerating people. I'm talking about loving them. What does it mean to love? Does it mean I have to try to be patient and kind? No. It means I need to be patient and kind. Sometimes I come across a circumstance that makes me feel sick to my stomach. Whether it's watching someone I love make a bad decision, watching my children hurt themselves or other kids, or seeing injustice in the world, I have to make the decision to remain patient and kind. This can be really difficult, especially when all I want to do is yell, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" But, the reality of the situation is, it's not a joke. They aren't kidding. That decision really was made, and now I have one of the biggest opportunities in my life. I have an opportunity to be love sick. I have the chance to bear these ill feelings, suffer long, and be patient and kind.

I don't always like being love sick. Sometimes I can't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel when the situation that's making me feel this way is finally resolved. But, the sickness always seems to last longer when I have this I-can't-wait-to-get-this-over-with kind of attitude. That's one of the reasons why it's so important to find the beauty in the midst of the suffering, and the joy in the journey.

Last month my 9-month old caught hand-foot-mouth disease. It was the worst! He was covered head to toe is sores and blisters, had a high fever, didn't want to nurse or eat, and didn't sleep. He kept wanting to be held, but every time I held him he would just scream and flail in pain. We went through two sleepless nights before my two-year old caught it. Then we started the cycle all over again two days later when I caught it.

Unless you've experienced it yourself, I don't think I'd be able to describe the kind of discomfort that is involved. The best way I can think to describe it is as thorns puncturing into your entire body. Touch hurts. And, touch is one of the best ways I can show my children I love them. So, as you can imagine, I had to somehow find my patient endurance (this is wear the "love endures all things" part comes in).

In the midst of this pain I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt blinded by my love sickness, and was groping after God in the darkness. I felt helpless, abandoned, and very lonely. I was starting to fade from love sick to just sick. Impatience was sneaking up on patience, anger was trying to steal kindness, and selfishness was knocking on selflessness' door.

The thing is, when you can't see God's promises it's important that you seek after Him and listen for His voice. God is always there. He is always speaking to us and reaching out for us. Some times are harder than others. It's not always easy to hear God's voice. That "still small voice" is like hidden treasure. We have to seek it and find it. But, the best part in all of this is that Christ himself said, "seek and you will find." (Matthew 7:7). So, I just have to keep searching for Him in the midst of my love-sickness.

I kept searching and He reminded me of one of His promises. Romans 5:3-5 says, "...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." God pours our more love on those who's love is enduring. Thank you, Holy Spirit for giving me an opportunity to receive from You a heart that is simply overflowing with love!

Now, I marvel at all who God is because He showed me that when my love bears all things and endures all things it grows. Everything I experience presents me with an opportunity to love--to love deeper, wider, higher, and further than I have ever loved before.

Before I became a mom I didn't know how much love I could have in this world. Then my son was born and my heart grew. When I was pregnant with my second child I still didn't understand how much love I could have in this world. Then my second son was born and my heart grew again. My heart is already overflowing with love, but there's a part of me that knows there's still so much more love to be had. I'm excited now to walk through this love sick journey that will bring my whole heart, body, mind, and soul into complete wellness. My heart is still growing, and it will always have room for more.