The other day I was having a difficult time rallying my children to clean up an oversized mess of toys. When asking the kids to clean up, I usually start off by asking nicely. And,
if they listen right away, I’m more apt to help them out by turning our messy clean up into a playful game.
This time that wasn’t the case. I asked nicely a few times, but was ignored. I tried asking a few more times, and somehow managed to only turn up the intensity dial one notch at a time (like a powerful blender with 10-speed settings). Somewhere between the intensity levels of 5 and 6 I skipped a few numbers and jumped right to a 10. At this point, consequences for not listening came into play. My 4-year old wasn’t too fond of this. He told me, in more or less words, that he wasn’t going to love me anymore and that I was a bad mommy.
These moments always lead to good conversations—conversations about the responsibility that mommy’s and daddy’s have to help their children learn to do things—things that don’t always seem fair or fun (like eating dinner, brushing teeth, getting rest, or going to bed) but are good and right.
Yet, in the heat of the moment he doesn’t feel loved because he thinks I’m being unfair or mean. He thinks that I’m preventing him from doing what he wants or from having fun. But, what he doesn’t see is that my love for him runs so much deeper than letting him do whatever he wants. When emotions are high, he doesn’t see the responsibility I’m trying to instill, the work ethic I’m trying to teach, or the care I’m trying to nurture.
Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize the depths of God’s love when it seems as if it’s going against what I so strongly want or desire. And, sometimes, in those moments, it can be hard to have the spiritual maturity or discernment to understand everything behind what some would consider to be “tough love.”
“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:11, 12 NIV)
In a world where love has been replaced by conditional acceptance, it can be very difficult to recognize what true love really is. Offense and sensitivity have deferred real love and replaced it with synthetic tolerance. I have witnessed too many people grow numb to the truth of love and be misguided by abuse and ungodly acceptance. It’s almost as if the selfish lusts of the flesh have redefined love as peaceful tolerance of sin. But, God’s word tells me differently.
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.” (1 John 2:15 NIV)
“For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.” (1 Peter 3:10, 11 NIV)
As followers of God we are taught to love. Christ Himself said that the greatest commandment is to love God with all of our hearts, souls, and minds. The second is equal to it—to love our neighbors as ourselves. (Matthew 22:37-40) But, for some reason Christ followers have refused to love others (as themselves) by feeding into the lie that love tolerates sin and disobedience.
In the word of God we learn a lot about what love is. A lesson on love is usually paired with patience and kindness, walking with grace and humility, and doing good things for all people. These are all excellent and necessary things that must exist within us for love to thrive. But, I can’t stop there. Because, if I truly love my neighbor the way I love myself, then I care about their health, their well-being, and most importantly their salvation.
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9 NIV)
Does this mean that loving sincerely includes hating what is evil? I believe it does.
I think where the line gets a little blurry or misunderstood is when it comes down to loving-confrontation. It’s important to approach these situations like a mother or a teacher—with the hope to instill responsibility, accountability, and understanding. Something I want to clearly point out here is that mothers and teachers aren’t a one-time counseling session or court room decision. That’s what patient love looks like—the willingness to nurture someone’s well-being, to spend time teaching them, to care for their growth, and to help them heal.
But, don’t get me wrong here either. As a mother, I know my children. I have a relationship with my children, and because I have a relationship with them, I also know when I need to act with intensity. When my 3-year old gets too close to a hot stove, or when my 1-year old walks too closely to a busy street. That’s when fierce love surfaces—when life is hanging in the balance. Love becomes bold and it doesn’t always look pretty. Love pushes children out of traffic, amputates limbs to save lives, yells to prevent fatal disasters, and sets boundaries on reckless behavior.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV)
So, how do we know when to act fiercely out of love? When does the lifeline depend on tough love?
When I think about sincere love hating evil, the first thing that comes to mind is Proverbs 6:16-19. Here we have a list of 7 things that God hates: “A proud look, A lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.” (Proverbs 6:17-19 NKJV) This is when Christ followers, who have relationships with the people they confront, can move in with fierce love.
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” (Revelation 3:19 NIV)
That is, fierce love that is coupled with forgiveness not abandonment. As a parent guides a child to do what’s right, love must be faithful and committed. Love searches out hope, helps heal wounds, holds on through tears, and teaches accountability, responsibility, and sustainability.
Obedience to God and His word helps me remain in this sincere love.
“If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.” (John 15:10 NIV)
And, when my children recognize the sincerity of my heart, even when it’s painful, they are able to heed my instruction, learn from it, and grow in it. Then, they too can have sincere love for others.
“My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life.”
(Proverbs 6:20-23 NLT)
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