When my husband and I found out we were expecting with our first child, I went through a season of feeling really selfish. I was sick (really sick) all of the time, and I just wanted it to go away. I was having a hard time seeing the good in my suffering, but a metamorphosis was taking place.
My mom told me sometime during my first pregnancy that God was expanding my faith so that I could have faith for three (my husband, myself, and our child). She told me that every pregnancy I would experience throughout my motherhood journey would cause my faith to expand. And, she was right.
At the time God gave me the verse 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I knew He wasn't just going to expand my faith, but He was going to teach me how to really love unconditionally and selflessly.
Constant sickness was the biggest challenge I had during my first pregnancy. It was during that pregnancy that God taught me what His word means by "Love bears all things." During my second pregnancy I dealt with a lot of static pain, and my hips were in pain almost constantly. God spoke to me about Jacob, and how he wrestled with God for the promise (Genesis 32:25). Jacob's hip was put out, and God walked him through a lot of sacrifice and change. It was during this pregnancy that I learned how to let go of my dreams and hold on to God's promises. It was then that I learned what His word means by "Love...believes all things."
Now, my current pregnancy has been...um, more of a challenge. This pregnancy has hit me from every angle. My emotions have been, what seems to be, uncontrollably out of whack. I've been literally exhausted to the point of feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of falling asleep mid-task, mid-conversation, mid-dishes...I've been sick, to the point of not being able to physically function or take care of my family. I've been having a lot of pain in my back and in my hips, not to mention having sciatic pain surging on both sides at the same time. But, out of everything I've listed, my mental state has been the most difficult. I never thought, in a million and one years, that I would be...depressed. (dun. dun. dun.) I mean I literally have everything I could ever want or ever need, and I certainly don't have any reason to feel depressed.
Ok, now don't get caught up in my list of struggles because I've had this enormous revelation of why I'm going through what I'm going through. You see, I've always known in my heart-of-hearts that I would have three children. So, I know that this is, in some ways (but not all), the last stage of my Mommy Metamorphosis.
Now, I've been getting much better lately, more hopeful. (If you haven't guessed it yet, God's been teaching me what His word means by "Love...hopes all things, and endures all things" during this pregnancy). For the past few weeks I've experienced bursts of hope! It's literally felt like a ray of sunshine in the midst of a storm. But, each burst of hope has been followed by another challenge. Highs and lows. Hills and valleys. Back and forth. And, it's been so frustrating.
It wasn't until a little over a week ago that I realized what was happening. I've been in a cocoon. It's dark. It's tight and uncomfortable. It's lonely. It's been a long time, but now it's finally time for a change!
My husband and I took our boys to the Butterfly Conservatory in Canada yesterday. My three-year old and I were really captivated by the cocoon display. While we were looking at the display, a small cocoon started to shake. I noticed the head of a butterfly emerging from the bottom of the cocoon. It would wiggle and shake with all of it's strength to the point of looking like it was going to break free. But, then it would just stop, and it wouldn't move again for a while. As a bystander, I'm thinking, "Why are you giving up? You're seriously so close to breaking free?" My three-year old tells me the butterfly is resting. Oh, yeah...duh. I mean, if it exerted all of it's energy without taking that time to "Be still and know" (Psalm 46:10), then it could have destroyed the chance of becoming everything that it's supposed to be. Watching this butterfly really helped me understand that these "dips" in life that I've been experiencing are not lows, but moments to rest and rejuvenate. They're moments to receive strength from God.
Isaiah 40:31 says, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
Now, I get it. I'm almost there. I can taste it. But, I have to take these moments to wait on God. Before I know it, I'll be bursting forth with a new set of wings. My learning won't be done. I'll have to learn how to use those new wings. I'll still have to trust God in every aspect of my life. My Mommy Metamorphosis may almost be complete, but my motherhood journey is just beginning. I feel ready--ready for change--ready for another new beginning.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!"
2 Corinthians 5:17
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