I want my kids to be good listeners and good communicators, not reluctant obeyers. I've been working on this with my soon to be three-year old. He's been having a difficult time handling situations that don't exactly go his way. This is especially true when it just so happens to involve a little brother taking a specific toy that is being held on reserve. He used to just "take it" when he didn't like what was happening, but recently he's been over loaded, so he just explodes. It usually surfaces as a panicked yell or tantrum. At first I was responding reactively with putting him in time-out or yelling to get his attention. To which he would respond with a drawn out, "Nooooooooooo" as he would race to the time out chair and cry some more.
One day he asked me for a cookie. I said, "No. Not right now." He threw himself on the ground and began to cry. I firmly told him it's not ok to act that way, and I sent him to sit in time-out. When his two-minutes was up, I went over and asked him if he knew why he was in time out. He said, "...because I asked for a cookie." (Oh boy. Nope. That's not quite it.) I explained to him that he's not in trouble for asking me for a cookie, but that I put him in time-out because of his response when I said "no." He still thought he was in trouble for asking for a cookie. My reactive response caused confusion rather than understanding.
I've tried to change somethings about the way I respond now. We talk about using gentle words to explain our feelings, and surprisingly, it's been working. I recognize that he's frustrated, I hug him, I ask him to use gentle words to explain what's bothering him. Sometimes it takes a minute or so for him to calm down enough to say what he wants to say, and other times he's able to tell me right away. I've even seen him take the time to tell his brother or his little friends that he was using a toy and would like it back.
Communication takes patience, but it is SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE. As a parent, I am definitely guilty of assuming that my children aren't able to handle the "bigger picture" or understand enough of their feelings to communicate them well with me and with others. But, the only reason why that was ever true with my son is when I didn't give him the opportunity to explain himself.
My reactive response has shifted. Now, were building trust as mother and son, and our communication is being able to be used as a preventative tool to temper tantrums.
King Solomon, a man blessed by God with Spiritual understanding and wisdom beyond his earthly years, wrote, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
If I yell at my children to obey me, they will form an unhealthy view on our relationship. It will be about dominance and force rather than love, obedience, and communication. I want my children to trust me. I want them to know that I care about how they feel rather than defaulting to punishment when they express themselves. It's not the expression that's wrong. It's the way it's expressed. So, I have the responsibility to teach my children how to express their emotions healthily. I need to listen when they do, and I need to show them that I care about how they feel.
Feelings are real to the person that is experiencing them. Sometimes the feeling is based on a lie or false accusation, but that doesn't make the feeling itself false or untrue. This is what makes using parental discernment difficult at times. When my child reacts and says something about me that isn't true. I can't say, "that's not true." Because to them the feeling is real. And, by debunking their feelings, I'm showing them that I don't care about how they feel...which also isn't true. This is just a small example of how misunderstanding can surface. The James 1:19-20 helps us understand how to communicate with one another. It says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
Being quick to listen is one of the best words of relationship advice given in God's word. Being quick to listen shows love and appreciation. Being quick to listen builds trust. Being quick to listen teaches my children that I am more concerned with their well being than enforcing punishments. Being quick to listen helps my children express themselves. Being quick to listen instills patience and understanding. These are the type of things I want to instill into their lives--positive communication tools that will help them throughout their lives.
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