Today I made a mess on purpose. It was one of the most liberating things I have ever done. My two-year old loves making piles. So we decided to take pillows and couch cushions and pile them as high as we could. Our imaginations then took the lead. First our pile was a mountain. Then it was a tower. Then it became a castle. Then we made a tunnel, and a fort, and a ramp, and lastly a road. Not once did I think about cleaning it up. I just wanted to make it bigger and bigger.
You see, I've always been somewhat of a clean-freak. Messes always seem to make my blood pressure rise. When my son would dump his toys on the floor and all I could think about was cleaning them up. But, today I realized something. The only reason why messes frustrate me is because I'm always living ahead of the moment. I'm always thinking about how much work it's going to be to clean it up. I'm never just living in the moment and enjoying what is: the things that are happening now and the things that are in the present--the messes.
It's not always looking forward to the "clean-up" aspect of the messes that makes me frustrated. Sometimes it's just because I'm distracted in my head. I'm problem solving a previous conversation, I'm planning the events of the next day, or I'm overthinking a future scenario.
If my head isn't present, then neither is my heart. And, that, my friends, is what causes frustration. That's what makes me not want to be where I am, and that's what causes me to dislike something that could be enjoyable.
Over the past couple of weeks I've had a hard time connecting with my two-year old. We've never had that problem before. It was so confusing to me that he was acting up, not listening, and being rough with his brother. I felt like I was always yelling or asking him to sit in timeout. I looked forward to the times when I would get a moment to myself.
Being pregnant has made me tired, irritated, and sick. I haven't been "myself" and I know I haven't been present--fully present. I've been distracted by so many things, and this has affected my oldest so much, and now he's trying to get my attention in other ways. It's his way of begging for me to be present, not just there, but present.
To be fully present means that my mind, body, soul, spirit, and heart are engaged in the moment I'm currently living. It means I'm fully engaged with the people around me. I'm not talking about the people I will be with, or the people I might rather be with, but the people I'm actually with.
When my husband and I first started dating I would always look forward to spending time with him. And, that's not wrong. But, when my head was fixed on seeing him soon, I wasn't ever able to enjoy the people I was currently with because I was always waiting for what was going to happen.
The same concept applies to my future. I can't be so consumed on what's going to happen that I'm not fully present in all of the moments that lead up to that anticipated moment. For example, by looking forward to the birth of my third child so much I can easily forget how important all of the moments leading up to my baby's birth are. For instance, this week my baby's vital organs have fully formed and are just beginning to function. Bones and cartilage are forming, and nails and hair are beginning to grow. If I was able jump ahead to the end of my pregnancy, my baby would be missing out on everything that is bringing strength and maturity. And, I would be missing out on the moments that deepen my trust, faith, and love.
For some reason, it's easy to think one moment, or event, or day, is more important than another. But, when I think that was I completely disregard everything that is strengthening me and maturing me. These smaller moments are the ones that make me who I am. It's not always the "big" moments in my life that make me who I am, it's everything in-between.
Today I taught my sons this verse:
"This is the day that the Lord has made, [I] will rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)
And, as I was teaching it to them I could feel the importance of that moment. That very moment, and each moment that followed. Now I can say, this is the moment the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Not every moment is easy. Not every moment feels good. Not every moment bring me joy. There are moments that make me sad, angry, and hurt me. There are moments that bring me to my knees sobbing because I simple can't do life on my own. But, these are the "morning sickness moments." These are the "labor pain" moments. These are the ones that are forming me and making me who I was destined to be--the person God made me to be. These are the moments that define my character. These are the moments that test my faith. These are the moments that shape my attitude. These are the moments God has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in them.
Every single moment is important. Every. Single. Moment. And, I must be present in each moment so that I don't miss out on the important things. Play hard in those moments. Work hard in those moments. Love harder, always.
"Our God gives you everything you need, makes you everything you're to be."
(2 Thessalonians 1:2)
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