Yesterday my husband took the kids to the park. The kids played so hard, and they were very tired by the time we left. On the way home the baby and my 21-month old fell asleep, but my 3-year old was a different story. He started yawning and rubbing his eyes, and just as he nestled into the side of his car seat he decided to fight it. He sang. He let out random screeches. He asked questions. "Mom, can I sit with you?" "Mom, can we snuggle when we get home?" And, as he asked questions his reasons for refusing to rest became more clear. He just wanted to be close--he wanted to feel secure and safe in my arms.
He's always been a snuggle bug. He needs to be close and be able to touch me or my husband in order to fall asleep. If he wakes up in the middle of the night he quickly finds his way into our bed. We've tried, so many times, to get him to feel safe in his own room. But, lately it's felt impossible.
Before the baby was born, I'd wake up to him crying, "Mom, I need you" in the middle of the night. I'd rush into his room and hold his hand or lay next to him in his bed until he'd fall back to sleep. By the time I got back into bed and pulled the covers up he'd be crying again. There were so many nights I'd just carry him up into our room so that we could all rest. For the last three and a half weeks (since the baby's been born) my husband has been on night-time duty with the boys. And, every single night my son has made his way into our bed. My husband has even rocked him in the living room for hours waiting for his deepest sleep to come. But, literally as soon as my son notices that he's in his own bed by himself he wakes up.
It can be easy to be frustrated and overwhelmed with how much he needs us (my husband and I) in order to rest, especially when it seems to be stealing from our own rest. Most of the time, the only way we all rest is if we give in and snuggle. Holding him close, I can see so much of who he was as a baby. My memories flood as I relive some of these experiences with our newborn. For example, when my 3-week old baby cries, she's usually at complete peace as soon as I hold her in my arms. Then I can see myself, too, just longing to be held, safe and secure in God's arms.
Fear. Frustration. Loneliness. These are all things that make me feel insecure. I can see it all over my son, too. And, when he's insecure he acts on his fears and frustrations...just like I do.
This new season of life with three children, three and under, has been difficult. I've always been one to rise to the challenge, but this time around I'm finding myself swimming in insecurities. Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? Am I providing emotional security for my children? Could I have handled that better? And, as the questions fill my mind, I find myself feeling more and more alone and more and more overwhelmed.
Loneliness is one of my worst enemies and the best of friends to insecurity. That's why God desires that we never be alone. Christ says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) He doesn't say, "Go comfort yourself!" or "Stay in your own bed!" No, Christ invites me to come and be with Him. He says, "...do not fear, for I am with you," (Isaiah 41:10) and He holds us so close.
When I come to God crying and feeling scared or frustrated He never pushes me away and says, "Just learn to deal with it." No. That's not how it works. Instead, He promises comfort.
All I have to do is come to Him. "If [I] say, 'The Lord is my refuge,' and [I] make the Most High [my] dwelling, [then] no harm will overtake [me]"
This promise is so evident in Psalms 91.
"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
When I was a little girl, I remember my grandmother telling me that she claimed this chapter over our family. And, now I feel the necessity to reclaim these words over my life--to find shelter in the Most High. That He would be where I find my refuge. That I wouldn't dwell with fear or frustration in the unknown future or be overwhelmed by the newness of today, but that I would find comfort in the arms of my loving Father. So, now I claim it over my children as well. That, just as they look to me to comfort their fears and uncertainty, they would always find comfort in God. That they would look to Him throughout their whole lives and be fully secure in Him.
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