Recently my husband and I have been having the "third baby" conversation. A lot of questions that start with "how," "when," and "what if," have been asked. We've thought about how it would change us for the good, and we've thought about how it might make life more difficult. We've taken into consideration other people's thoughts and let some of those opinions sway us into waiting. We've even considered just letting the idea go completely. God has already blessed us so much with the two children we have. Sometimes it feels selfish to want another baby.
The hardest thing is, I know the Spirit already told me I'm going to have three children. There are so many things that He's shared with me over my life time that has given me insight on what my family will be like. He doesn't share with me the whole picture. He just gives me bits and pieces--just enough to hold on to hope, just enough to believe, just enough to trust, just enough to hold on to His promises.
When I was a teenager my friends and I would joke about receiving our "life letters" from God. You know, that letter that comes in the mail that tells you who you're going to marry, where you're going to live, how many children you're going to have, and what kind of career you're going to land? That letter we all hope for, but it never arrives. It doesn't ever come because it would completely eliminate the need for faith. It doesn't come because I need to be dependent on trusting in God and His goodness.
God's word tells me to trust and to hope in what His plans are.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5,6)
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Even still, so many times I try painting the bigger picture for myself. I plan and I organize and I attempt to run my own life. Sometimes this puts me into a position of attempting to control everything that goes on around me. But, the thing is, life is unpredictable. I don't really know what's going to happen. It would only takes a split second for my entire life to change. Which is why I need to be flexible and spontaneous too. Planning isn't always wrong, but it isn't right when I don't leave room for change to happen.
I really think God finds humor in mine and my husband's conversations about our futures. I can just hear him laughing at my husband and I trying to figure out "when" adding a third child to our family would be best...as if we really know what's best for us. But, God knows what's best for us. He knows what's best for me more than I know what's best for myself. He knows what's best for me more than my family or my friends know what's best for me.
Thankfully, when I'm listening for His voice and seeking for His direction in His word and in His creation, God gives me insight and helps me discern what is best. When I remain prayerful and full of thanksgiving, God allows me to be able to see bits and pieces of His plan for my life. But, if I'm not cultivating a relationship with Him, I feel more confused and disappointed in what my future may be. When I say cultivating a relationship, I mean a true relationship--one that isn't self-seeking, but one that is formed on worship and gratitude. This kind of relationship let's me see my life through heavenly lenses, and only then am I able to have peace and joy in the uncertainty.
Last week I had a dream that I was disappointed and losing hope in expecting a third child. I was in the dinning room at my parents house in my dream, and I could hear my husband playing with our boys in the next room over. I looked up at my beautiful family, and in my husband's arms was another baby. In my dream I remember thinking, "Why am I disappointed when we already have three children?" It was such a surreal experience. I lived through the uncertainty and the fulfillment in a single moment.
That same week I was reading a devotional from Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling. It's a beautiful devotional book that speaks from the prospective of God. The opening statement from the October 17th entry says, "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without Me." This statement is so very true. When I worry about my future I often play out the worst possible scenario. And, for some strange reason, I convince myself that the worst scenario is the only scenario. The truth is, I'm just envisioning my future without God's goodness--I'm envisioning my future without God.
Romans 8 says, " But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."
The Holy Spirit Himself is praying for me. He too is asking God for His perfect will to take place in my life. Now, my responsibility is to love who God is and trust in His goodness. These aren't my only responsibilities, though. I also have to remain hopeful, and not envision my future without Him in it. I have to not allow worry or anxiety affect my life. Living in fear invites fear into my future. Living in worship invites blessings into my future. God desires to give me the best, and I need to trust that this is the ultimate truth. God loves me, and He wants to make all things work together for my good.
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