Why I didn't wait to tell...

I had a dating sonogram today. I'm just about 8 weeks pregnant with my third child. Everything felt so surreal as I watched the screen in anticipation waiting to see my little one. A sigh of relief left my body when I watched that little heart beating so strong and so fast.

I've known for about 5 weeks now that we were expecting again. Normally I would be excited and exuberantly glowing, but this was different. I felt different. I was afraid. I was afraid of so many things...loss, heartache, not being prepared, exhaustion, and inadequacy just to name a few. I know that I know that I know that God has spoken over me that I would be a mother to three children, but the timing was just...just...imperfectly perfect. Let me explain.

God has often times spoken to me in dreams. It's freakishly amazing when He does. Not every single dream that I have reveals the future, but there have been times when I just know that I'm getting a glimpse of what's yet to come. Those dreams always shine a little brighter in my memory. I can imagine that's how Joseph felt when he had that first dream of the moon and the stars and sheaves of wheat. While I was still pregnant with my second child I had one of those dreams. It was a very vivid dream that I gave birth to my third child in August. It was so real that when I woke up I made sure I wrote it down. The details, from the labor pains to the crowing of the child, all felt so real.

And, now that dream is becoming a reality.

Now, my husband and I have had a lot of long conversations about how we thought it would be best to wait on having a third child. We knew it was a part of our future, but we weren't so sure on the "when" exactly. About a month before I found out I was pregnant I was beginning to wean my youngest from breastfeeding and was seriously taking into consideration birth control options. We ended up giving ourselves a small window to just throw all caution to the wind, and in that moment God breathed on us.

I honestly didn't think it would happen this quickly, but I know God has a plan. And, I know this new life is important. There's already a destiny being written. But, why? Why do I feel so scared?

About two weeks ago I started feeling sick. And, not just the mild nausea they refer to as "morning sickness." This was all day long, all night long, head between my knees crying because I want to eat and can't stomach anything kind of gut-twisting, heart-wrenching, head-spinning nausea. I mean, I was really sick with my first pregnancy, but this. This is a whole new level of sick. I was so sick to the point of feeling remorseful over this blessing that God has given to us. I was feeling inadequate as a wife. I was feeling even worse as a mother. I wasn't able to take care of my kids, my husband, or my house. Heck, I wasn't even able to take care of myself. I would spend hours lying on the floor just crying and crying because I wanted it all to stop. It sounds pathetic, I know. But, it's true. This is real life.

In those moments I was experiencing an extreme amount of discouragement. I was under an incredible amount of spiritual attack. I felt very defeated. My worship had been taken away from me. I was down for the count.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong person. I have a high pain tolerance, and I can usually take on a lot before feeling completely overwhelmed or weighed down. I have a really hard time admitting that I'm weak, and I have a really hard time admitting that I need help. But, right now, I feel week. Right now, I need help.

I ended up calling my doctor and asking for anti-nausea medicine. Which is completely against my character. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against medicine, I just hate taking it. But, I'm so thankful that I live in a day and age where modern medicine is practiced and I can take something to help ease my symptoms and make it so I can be a functioning human-being again.

A couple days after taking the medicine I was able to think a little more clearly. I was starting to be hopeful about the mysteries of my future. But, overtime the medicine would wear off and I would return to a helpless state of worthlessness.

Just a few days ago my husband was resting with my precious boys and I started to drag myself down into the dumps again. But, this time I had a little more resistance. I could feel my spirit fighting back. I knew I needed to worship. I knew I needed to sing. My Mama always says that "worship is the way out," and she's never been wrong. Worship was my way out. As I sat at the piano, feeling so far away from my creator, tears streamed down my face as I sang, "I just want to be close to You, my Jesus..." It was in that moment I began to feel free. It was the moment that I admitted my faults. It was the moment that I admitted my weakness. And in that moment God showed me what 2 Corinthians 12:9 really means. "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

It's not that Christ wants me to be weak, but in my weakness He is made strong. My faith--my real to-the-depths-of-my-soul faith--is made strong. My trust--my unconditional trust--is made strong. My song then changed to "You are worth it all..." As I sang these words to God I could hear Him singing them back to me.

The following night (without even knowing my circumstances) one of my dearest friends sang these same word again from the Father to His children, "you are worth it all" confirming what God had spoken to me from the night before. He continued on by saying, "You are worth every pain, you are worth every scar, you are worth every stain, you are worth it all..." The flood gates of my eyes burst open again knowing that God went through so much more than what I was going through...and He did it all for me. And, not once did He say I wasn't worth it.

In that moment I made the conscious decision to take on the spirit of Christ. And, all though my suffering isn't even the tip of the iceberg in comparison to what He did, I know that this baby is going to be worth it all. I know this baby is worth it all.

This child is going to change my life. Some days will be hard and some days will be even harder, but that doesn't mean they won't still be good. Every moment, every single waking moment, is so perfectly orchestrated by God. He uses everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring us a hope and a future. So, now, I look on with anticipation. I anticipate strength. I anticipate faith. I anticipate trust. I also anticipate needing to admit my weaknesses and asking others for help. Because I need other people in my life. And, chances are, if you're reading this, I need you.

God did not make humans to be alone. He even said in the second chapter of Genesis that it isn't good for man to be alone. And, Adam wasn't even alone. He had God with Him in the Garden. But, God knew he needed another living, breathing human being to share life with. He knows that we need each other.

A lot of women usually wait to tell other people about their pregnancies. I've read that it's usually because they're afraid that something may happen, or they're afraid of what's to come. But, that's exactly why I'm not waiting to tell. Because the thought of having to walk through this alone is more frightening to me than having everyone I love help me through it.

So, there you have it. I'm not perfect. I'm weak. I need help, and that's ok. God made me that way. He made me to need others. He made me to need Him. And, in my weakness He is made so, so perfect.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)