My sons have been playing really rough with one another lately. I honestly don’t mind when they do. But, sometimes it gets out of hand and especially when they’re upset with each other. Bite. Kick. Punch. Scratch. Head-butt. Scream. Cry. Repeat.
Earlier this week I reached my limit with how harmful and vengeance fueled their interactions became with one another. I took my oldest out in the back yard and I yelled, “Wrestle me!” I told him to give it everything he had and to not hold back. He ran at me swinging. I wrestled him down. He grabbed at my skin and dug his nails into my arm. I held his arms away and laid him on the ground. He pushed me from behind. I let him. He swung at me. I let him do it. “Again!” I yelled every time he’d fall back.
His anger turned to laughter as we tussled in the yard. My 4 year-old got in on the action, and they were both pulling on my arms trying to take me down to the ground. “Mom’s undefeatable.” I heard one of them say. Even still, they kept coming at me.
As we were all laughing, I thought about Jacob and how he wrestled with God. Why would God allow him to prevail? And, when Jacob never gave up, God gave him a new name: Israel. God’s reasoning behind the name change was because Jacob had struggled with God and with humans and continuously overcame (Genesis 32:23-32).
Ironically, prior to this meeting with God, Jacob and his brother were also having some squabbling issues. Jacob and his brother Esau had quite the history of deception and competition. Almost every mention of the brothers in God’s word displays conflict and fighting. However, it had been quite some time since they had last seen each other and years since their father had past on. But, now Jacob was passing through his brother’s territory where he would inevitably be seeing Esau face-to-face again. This time Jacob couldn’t run. He knew he was going to have to face the consequences of their past.
But, the night before he saw his brother, Jacob wrestled with God. Like, he actually physically wrestled with God—God-to-man, hand-to-hand combat. I could easily imagine that Jacob had some built up anger towards his brother that night. He felt fear and distress about seeing Esau the following day (Genesis 32:7), and that may have fueled why he physically wrestled with God all night long. He was in defense mode and he was taking his aggression out on God. He felt betrayed, abandoned, and hungry for a blessing. But, God wasn’t beating Jacob up or punishing him for his behavior. In some strange way, God was teaching Jacob with mercy. He was letting Jacob release his frustrations and take out his anger on Him. And, the most bizarre aspect of it all is that, in the wrestling, God was blessing Jacob.
I’m very curious to know what happened to Esau the night Jacob wrestled with God because when Jacob (now Israel) saw him the following day, He embraced him. There was forgiveness and weeping (Genesis 33:4). This was miraculously different from their last interactions when Esau swore to kill Jacob (Genesis 27:41).
I had heard my share of death threats exchanged between brothers that day. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Asking them repeatedly to stop wasn’t working. Taking their toys and their games away wasn’t working. Having them do physical work or activities wasn’t working. I was at the end of my rope and the only thing I had left was to ask my son to bring his aggression to me rather than his brother.
God desires that from me too. He wants me to bring my anger and frustrations to Him rather than towards other people. I mean, He LET Jacob wrestle Him. God gave favor to Jacob and blessed him for his tenacity and his endurance. I don’t think the blessing would have been the same if Jacob had taken up arms against his brother before seeking out God. But, bringing the situation to God FIRST meant that he was able to approach his brother Esau with humility (Genesis 33:3).
As my son pounded on my body I could hear Jesus speaking out to me.
“But [I] was wounded for [your] transgressions, [I] was bruised for [your] iniquities; the chastisement for [your] peace was upon [Me], and by [My] stripes [you] are healed.”
(Isaiah 53:5 NKJV)
Could it be that God desires all of my frustrations and angers? Could it be that He wants the ugliness of my heart? Is it possible that in my lashing out before Him (instead of others) He extends His mercy?
I have to confess. I’ve been really angry in this season. I’ve had to exercise so much self-control to make the right choices for myself and for my family. I’ve really struggled with the outward expressions of my anger, and there have been plenty of times that when the kids are sleeping and my husband’s at work I’ve slammed, thrown, and broken things. I’ve burst into tears after bruising my hands on the countertop…and not from physical pain. I’ve yelled and wrestled with God because I haven’t yet been able to fully accept what He desires of me in this season. But, when I finally release my anger and step into His mercy with humility my heart finds healing.
Over a month ago I was really struggling. I was so angry with where I was at and with everyone around me, sometimes for a good reason and sometimes for no reason at all. Anger was always knocking on my door. I needed God to change the way I walked. I needed that constant reminder that God was sovereign and that His promises and blessings remained true even in the most uncertain seasons—even when I was receiving death threats from the enemy. “You’ll never be able to teach again. You’re a ‘has been’. You’ll never be able to write. Nothing will ever become of your passions, your visions, or your creativity. It’s never going to be worth it. Nothing you design will ever see the light of day.”
Some nights I’d yell and scream at the demons. I’d fervently command and demand they leave me be. I’d pick fights with the enemy. I’d pick fights with my husband. I’d pick fights with my family. I’d look for fights. I needed to fight. I didn’t want to stop because I was afraid that if I stopped fighting I would die—my spirit, my dreams, my hopes would die.
I fought God. Over and over again, I’d fight His will for me. I couldn’t see how what He was asking me to do would fulfill His promises to me. Then one day, after being told so many times to let go I finally let it go. I unclenched my fists. I let go of the fight to hold onto what I thought God’s plans were for me, and when I did I felt immediate peace. I was content to just be. I no longer felt belonging in what I could do, or frustration in the fact that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. Instead I felt release. I felt mercy. I felt contentment with exactly where I was no matter what the outcome would be.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on yourpleasures…do you think Scripture says without reason that He jealously longs for the spirit He has caused to dwell in us? But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”
(James 4:1-3, 5b-8 NIV)
All of the truth I needed waited in His word. Submit to God. Resist the devil. But, my victory only lasted as long as I resisted. Yesterday I was brought back into hearing those death threats. I was overwhelmed and no longer content with where God had me. I was faced with anger once again, and I wanted to lash out. After the kids went to bed I told my husband I needed to work in the yard. I made my anger productive rather than destructive. As I beat the earth I praised God. I sang as I cut into the dirt with a shovel. I could feel God healing me again as I violently worshiped Him.
Today God’s lesson for me came into focus as I heard my husband tell my 2 year-old daughter to stop reacting and ignore her brothers when they tried to instigate her. Their teasing only caused her pain, but when she sought refuge in her daddy’s arms she could no longer hear their taunts. She was able to feel secure in who she was and where she was because she was with her daddy.
Resist the taunts, Cheyenne. Ignore the threats. Find refuge in God. Find hope in God. There, and only there, is where you will be whole and content in every season.
“Let go of anger and leave rage behind! Don’t get upset—it will only lead to evil. Because evildoers will be eliminated, but those who hope in the Lord—they will possess the land [will receive their inheritance].” (Psalm 37:8,9 CEB)
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